Being in a top sorority on campus has taught me many things such as…
1. putting on enough bronzer so that I look like im walking the victorias secret runway at all times
2. teasing my hair high enough to be a dolly parton look alike
3. reeling boys in close enough to smell my purfume then setting them free
4. making any other girl jealous of my life(even though she shouldn’t be)
5. how to get into a bar with a fake id flawlessly
6. how to be fake when I need to, and real at all other times
7. how to live on the wild side of life
8. heartbreak
9. breaking boys hearts and finallly….
10. consuming large amounts of alcohol til you blackout
I would say in my head that those 10 things would be enough to keep me away from whatever organization was helping me to achieve those qualities. However aside from those 10 things that may reinforce the stereotype of a sorority girl…there are many things people wouldn’t consider in their heads when thinking of a sorority.
I also learned…
1. how to be a good friend
2. things not to do, when your supposed to be a good friend
3. sisterhood, being more than just a friend
4. that doing community service brings everyone closer to their heart
5. love
6. boys are just fragments of our lives
7. studying is above all…haha mayyybe
8. never do something you wouldn’t want done to you
9. sorries mean nothing unless they are sincere
10. sorority is just a name for a close group of friends, that no one…and I mean no one will understand unless they are apart of the group.
You may ask…how did this girl gain all this knowledge? Well the truth be told. It came from a long discovery of who I really am. The word stereotype used to get to me…bad. Now, I don’t see it that way. People could stereotype me for just about anything…being white, pretty, ugly, attention, depression, suicidal, the nice girl, dumb, smart, fake, real. The word stereotype was invented in my opinion because some dumb ass was jealous of someone elses life…so in order to make that person mad, he generalized. “Oh well your just that stupid guy who is apart of lamda alpha suckit…I heard all them guys are douches…” In life, hearing those kinds of things said about you hurts. It gets to you. It make you think that you are less than who you are. I know hearing those things about me made me feel that way.
I know anyone who reads my shit knows…I have some serious depression issues. Aside from my heart condition that causes me to have anxiety, the depression I have comes from a more deeper issue than that…my life.
I grew up pretty normal until I was about 11. When I turned 11, my whole world in my eyes fell apart. I watched my dad leave on a business trip and never come home. I watched my mom cry everyday. I later learned he cheated on her 5 years into their mariage, and again the year before he left…up until he left. I literally was clueless on how to feel. I dealt with the pain surrounding me by keeping things inside. Crying was a word I knew of, but the action of crying never was acted out by me. On top of all of this…I left on a trip with my dad during the divorce period once he came back around, and I decided that I didn’t want to be away from home anymore so I begged … and I mean begged my dad to bring me back to my moms place. I thought that my dad was going to be sooo upset with me for asking him to bring me home to mom, but he wasn’t. I couldn’t figure that out. After all was said and done, I figured out why he wasn’t mad. He wanted to catch my mother on a date. He got what he wanted, but he didn’t have the temper to deal with what he wanted. He hit my mom knocked her over, and beat my moms date(almost leaving him lifeless). Violence, abandonment, lost trust, broken love…these are all things that a an 11 yr old should not see or feel, but I did. This is where my depression is rooted. I live in my past. I know im in the future, but the way I approach my life is that the past is gonna repeat itself. I know what you’re thinking…well if you know that, forget it…don’t be depressed and move on with your life. See the thing is, is that I don’t recognize it. These behaviors such as keeping my guard up are self conscious. They happen whether I want them too or not.
I came home this last week from college thinking I was gonna quit. I realized I needed a break when I had a bottle of pills in one hand and the other wiping tears from my eyes. I wanted to just give up. If I died all the horrible feelings that I have been feeling for awhile would just go away. I knew I didn’t want that, but what other choice did I have when I was choking to get words out because I couldn’t breathe. Then I thought…I have a choice to be happy. So I gave it up all at once. I came home to get happy. Little did I know that getting happy wasn’t just that easy. Giving up on all you know and quitting something that is gonna get you far in life like college isnt gonna make you happy. You make you happy. Nobody can make you feel down without your consent. This was my problem. I was letting everyone around me make me feel down.
I guess with depression you have your up and down days. I came home that’s when I really started thinking about my life, and what I could do to better it. I really thought that being in a sorority was stressing me out. However, I have such a loving group of girls who constantly blew my phone up while I was gone to make sure I was alright. Its my actions. I have to take responsibility and account for myself. The common fallacy is this…people like to follow the crowd, and that was just what I was doing. Getting wasted every night, doing everything with everyone else and not doing anything for myself. I need to love and be apart of my sorority, but learn to separate myself and get better.
Another thing that stressed me out completely, was AMR and WB. They constantly made fun of me for being a sorority girl, and maybe I am in certain ways, but that def is not all that I am. I am a good person with a good heart, and I was raised by the best mom in the entire world. I AM MORE THAN JUST A SORORITY GIRL. I don’t need them to constantly make fun of greek life. They most likely are just jealous they don’t understand it, or they are not apart of it. Anyways, fuck them on that situation…even though I love them dearly as friends.
Speaking of them, they prob saved my life a little when it came to fall semester. I was barreling myself down to the bottom with this dep/anx. It was horrible. I drank almost everyday, and ran myself into the ground. It was not until I reunited with all 3 of the boys at a bar that I realized I needed to be better than that.
Right now…my course of action is not about boys however. Its about happiness. I am totally reverting my life to get on the right track. I want to think happy, be happy, and act happy. All of which is gonna take some time, but I think I know how to get to the point. When I came home I saw my dr. about how seriously down I have been, and he is the man let me tell you. He put me on this natural plan to overcome depression. It starts with changing my lifestyle. No drinking myself retarded(obvs), no drunk smoking, no destructive habits, eating 100% healthy, and exercising daily. Awesome! Fuck my life basically was what I was thinking when he was telling me this. However, I don’t want to be on meds, so I am going to embrace this idea, fuck my life, get over this, and be happy. Its def not going to be easy, but eh? Is life easy, no! so heyyy I have a shot...
its fuckin gametime! not now chief im in the fucking zone! elle is coming back.
heres the my new policies for life.
1. fuck boys, because they all want to fuck you over in some way
2. get the grades, because those can actually take you places
3. party hard, when you get the chance too.
and most importantly, enjoy your life…you’re lucky to have one after all.
forever and always, danielle
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