the common fallacy

Why is it ingrained into every girls head to rush into getting married? I was just listening to a conversation I walked in on strolling through my sorority house. It started off like this, "i just want to get married." I was casually walking, heard that, and then came to a dead stop. WTFFFF is the obsession? I walk over there and my friend who I love dearly is sitting on the couch...covered in wedding magazines!? "Danielle, I just want to get married," she says. It took all I had not to laugh at her. She goes on to tell me about her perfect guy, the perfect wedding, and how she wants a $50,000 wedding ring before she is graduated from college. Holy shit balls! That is a fuck ton of money, is she insane? No guy in their right mind(at least I hope) would ever spend that much...unless your Mariah Carey. In that case, with that name and voice, you get what you want I guess. Haha. It just took me by surprise that she would be talking about this when she is a junior in college. I mean, yeah come on...we were all little girls looking at our parents wedding pictures, and then scoping men on tv to be our husbands. Technically, by now I believe I have over 50 husbands. I played the marriage game with every little neighbor boy I could find back in the day...I was a lil trollop in my prime childhood, my mom probably thought I was a mormon practicing polygamy. She looked out the window everyday to me picking dandelions, having my baby brother walk me down the sidewalk, and marry a different boy. Hahaha. It must have been grand.

Somewhere along the line though, I gained my consciousness with life. GETTING MARRIED IS NO JOKE. Nowadays, most people might see marriage as being synonamous with the phrase, "Game over." I do sometimes, not gonna lie. Its not that Im a slutty, its just that Im not gonna be another statistic added to the divorce rate. Divorce in my book is synonmous with, "you suck at life, or the person you married does." I just know that when I get married, Im gonna do it right, no bullshit. If it takes me 10 more years or 2 years, i'll do it. Time shouldnt be an issue with a decision that is going to affect the rest of your life. It seems to me that a lot of my sorority sisters are dead set with meeting someone before they graduate college. I dont think they understand how hard it is though. You cant just date the first guy who looks at you the right way...and who even says the person you're gonna marry is even at this college? There are 498749863 colleges across the world, and he may be cruising those stomping grounds instead. Maybe i have a distorted view of marriage, because my parents went through a really rough divorce...but I still have a great perception of it all. I still think marriage is a great thing, and that it CAN be wonderful. Girls and guys dont realize how much WORK(yes i said, work) it is though. Its like a second job. You have to constantly be working at it, or it will fall apart. When someone gets married, they have to understand that...yes they may have a daytime job, but as soon as they come home they have a PM shift in marriage. The person you marry shouldnt make it seem like work, but once you exchange "I do's" it is that way subconsciously.

A second common misconception of the whole marriage idea with girls is...THERE IS NO PERFECT GUY OUT THERE. I dont care how much anyone tries to talk their man up, its complete and utter bullshit. Every guy you will find has little habits that make you want to cringe after you endure them for so long. Examples: Chewing with their mouth open, burping, farting, peeing with the bathroom door open for the world to see, smoking way too much pot, biting their nails, spitting like a baseball player on the pitchers mound, acting immature with guy friends, lighting stuff on fire, being lazy, working out excessively, or being insensitive...you get the idea. Im not tryin to demoralize men, because women have habits too. After any guy dates a girl for a long enough time he will find something she does occasionally to be annoying. Examples: Taking a generous amount of time to get ready to go anywhere, spraying purfume excessively, stealing the covers in bed at night, wanting to cuddle after sex when a guy just wants to sleep, being moody, buying shit loads of stuff she doesnt need...etc. No one person is perfect, so nobody can search for someone with every quality they want. I posted a blog earlier in the week with the qualities I look for in a man, but thats a ridiculous dream/wish and I know it. I could find a guy with every quality I asked for, but even he is gonna have a flaw. I wish my sorority girls understood this. No "jesus" is gonna pop out of the woodwork.

My sorority sisters need to chill out with the marriage talk, and focus on school. Searching for the "man nirvana" is a huge distraction, and will only delay a true relationship from forming. The way boys and girls should approach the subject from my standpoint is...Dont look for the perfect person to marry, the situation will find you. There is a complete difference between lust and love, and you want to be sure what you have is real. Your life partner could be your best friend, an acquintance, or a stranger. You also want to be established with your own life enough, to let someone else in. Someone else cant bring you joy, you have to be content with yourself first. Dont expect lavish things(i.e. $50,000 ring) because those kinds of luxuries wont bring you true happiness, finding love that will remain until you're old and pass away will bring you happiness. Everyone has to keep that in mind.

Jeez...all this time, I thought I came to a college where smart and educated people surrounded me. I didnt know I had all these people who are so obsessed with something that they have a false perception of. Haha.

Forever and Always, Danielle

Sweet summer lover

Today was a relatively warm day in the heart of Ohio. Waking up this morning the only thing I could think of was sweet summertime! Oh how I cant wait to be raising hell on Lake Erie in 3 months. I miss the smell of the lake, the wind that blows a perfect tan onto any pasty person, and boating(safely of course! r.i.p. ben). Let the shit show of summer come back into my life. RIGHT NOW!

Besides being overly amped for summer to start, one thing is on my mind since last night...and will be every day until then...FLOWRIDER COMPETITIONNNNNNNNNNN time is here!!! Thats right, look out bitches because Im coming to strut my shit and take my ticket to semi's. I might have been a dumb ass the previous year and walked through a construction zone in flip flops and put a rod through my foot before qualifying round...but no more! I am back in black(pink, really.) and ready to rage. Flatspins, 360's, barrels...I got that shit. Stand-up? Oh fuck yes...1080's, stall's = im all over it. Its gonna be fantastic.

Better yet...boss man is getting me some rooms for my friends, anddd Im gonna be doll and take them to Kalahari to play in the waterpark andddd Cedar Point because I can get tix:) I dare for someone to tell me that its gonna be a bad weekend.

your moves are sick girl!

Now before I say this…I want everyone to know that I am NOT SUICIDAL. I am perfectly happy with my life, I just sometimes find myself thinking deeper than the people that surround me day to day. Have you ever thought to yourself...what would the world be like if you werent here? Would anyone miss you? Would you miss life? Would some people smile when they heard the news? Would people break down in misery? What perception do people have of you in their heads? I constantly find myself over analyzing my life, thinking philosophically about my existence. Who am I? Do people perceive me the same way I perceive myself? First of all...if everyone perceived me how I perceive myself I feel bad for them, because thats not a good way to think about someone. Haha. But seriously though, what I am doing in life?

I feel like most days I drag myself out of my bed, looking for something to tell me that I belong where I am. It’s like Im constantly looking for evidence to prove that the choices and attitudes I have assumed have actually gotten me somewhere. Today I had the best conversation with my boss from Kalahari. It made me realize, my life has a purpose. I have people who miss me when Im gone, even if I don’t always think of them directly in my head. My boss told me how much he misses my character in life. That I always had the ability to talk to children who have lost their parents and are scared shitless, put a smile on anyones face in general, and help people learn to surf. That made my day. I like being that girl that can turn anyones day around. I would bend over backwards for anyone at any given time, and I guess sometimes its just nice to know that someone thinks of me that very same way.



Carving the wave

Rocking it sideways. Banana ride.

My boss Chad and I. Hes amazing, im not gonna lie.

This life is a mirage...

Its funny how sometimes you float through life like its a dream, and the next minute you're laying in your bed feeling every emotion you wondered if you had the capability to feel in the first place. The friends you thought were there for the long run are all gone, and the only person you have to rely on is yourself. Sometimes all you need is yourself, but most often we find ourselves drifting anywhere we can to feel that someone else out there in the world feels the same way we do about it. This morning I woke up feeling so displaced about my life. I laid in bed for about an hour staring at the ceiling thinking to myself...if there was one place where I could be right now where would it be? This is when I drifted back off to sleep and suddenly I was dreaming of the place where I feel most like me in the world.

For me...the place where I feel most like me is sitting on a rock in the middle of lake erie off of the pier. You might be thinking...out of all the places in the world I choose one right by my home. Being there is my sanctity. Sitting there I just think of all the beautiful things in life. I walk out there at night, and I watch the water crash around me and I can breathe because no one is watching me. I sing and dance, laugh and cry, write lyrics, and just feel what I want too. This spot that nobody knows of has been my secret for years. If I could go there anytime I felt my insecure about life, I would never be down. Since I was a sophomore in high school I have been visiting my place. Sometimes I feel like the spot where I sit knows more about me in life than anyone else.

A single girls life!

Sooooo...lately it seems people from home have been asking me who I am dating, or if I am dating anyone. I dont know why people think they can be involved in every aspect of my personal life, but apparently its hot commodity. This post is to inform everyone that my status is...and will be for a hot minute...SINGLE.

HERE ARE MY REASONS WHY:

Im not ready to love, Im rocking my freedom/ single life out;)Im not over the ex completely, Im scared of getting hurt. Im doing just fine...why rock the boat?
I dont trust men because they all are equal scum. I have not found anyone that interests me, that likes me the same. Finally, Ive had love and it never turns out great, why would I jump back in? Enough said.

FOR THOSE CURIOUS SOULS OUT THERE...this is what i look for in a boyfriend...and these characteristics are def. not found in Columbus, OH.

A good boy with the bad bay edgyness. This includes a wardrobe of extremely preppy clothes(i.e. polos, sweaters, khakis, sperrys) HOWEVER pac sun must be included into this. (i.e. hurley, o'neill, fox, famous stars and straps, DC, chuck taylors) Yeah the works. Attitude wise, they have to be a well mannered guy. Pure and decent at heart...someone I can trust. With this guy...lying should never cross my mind. They have to be able to kick it chill though. If my guy is not willing to work out or jog with me...thats lazy and I want someone to have toSometimes, I just like to cuddle and watch tv. I need a hopeless romantic 50/50. I also need someone tough...I want the perfect blend. For me, my type is tall and skinny with not blonde, but not brown hair. Additionally, this person better love water. I live by the lake, and I am a water baby. If you cant swim..you aint gonna make it with me in the summer time. I jet ski, parasail, go tubing, boating, just everything...and I dont feel like having to carry a life jacket around with. That would just be a nuisance. Violence?? Well my perfect man better know how to fight for me, because I can fight my way out of a paper bag...but temper wise that better be the only time he gets in a fight. Violences scares me. One final characteristic my man must possess is a love and i mean a LOVE for music. They better be able to sing with me at all times on the fly, and dance if they need too;) Other than that...they need to be absolutely 100% attachment free of psycho ex's. hahaha. Well I cant be too picky:) See why you cant find those characteristics in college boys?! haha

Forever and Always, Danielle

a post i wrote in january on christmas break...

Being in a top sorority on campus has taught me many things such as…
1. putting on enough bronzer so that I look like im walking the victorias secret runway at all times
2. teasing my hair high enough to be a dolly parton look alike
3. reeling boys in close enough to smell my purfume then setting them free
4. making any other girl jealous of my life(even though she shouldn’t be)
5. how to get into a bar with a fake id flawlessly
6. how to be fake when I need to, and real at all other times
7. how to live on the wild side of life
8. heartbreak
9. breaking boys hearts and finallly….
10. consuming large amounts of alcohol til you blackout

I would say in my head that those 10 things would be enough to keep me away from whatever organization was helping me to achieve those qualities. However aside from those 10 things that may reinforce the stereotype of a sorority girl…there are many things people wouldn’t consider in their heads when thinking of a sorority.

I also learned…

1. how to be a good friend
2. things not to do, when your supposed to be a good friend
3. sisterhood, being more than just a friend
4. that doing community service brings everyone closer to their heart
5. love
6. boys are just fragments of our lives
7. studying is above all…haha mayyybe
8. never do something you wouldn’t want done to you
9. sorries mean nothing unless they are sincere
10. sorority is just a name for a close group of friends, that no one…and I mean no one will understand unless they are apart of the group.

You may ask…how did this girl gain all this knowledge? Well the truth be told. It came from a long discovery of who I really am. The word stereotype used to get to me…bad. Now, I don’t see it that way. People could stereotype me for just about anything…being white, pretty, ugly, attention, depression, suicidal, the nice girl, dumb, smart, fake, real. The word stereotype was invented in my opinion because some dumb ass was jealous of someone elses life…so in order to make that person mad, he generalized. “Oh well your just that stupid guy who is apart of lamda alpha suckit…I heard all them guys are douches…” In life, hearing those kinds of things said about you hurts. It gets to you. It make you think that you are less than who you are. I know hearing those things about me made me feel that way.

I know anyone who reads my shit knows…I have some serious depression issues. Aside from my heart condition that causes me to have anxiety, the depression I have comes from a more deeper issue than that…my life.

I grew up pretty normal until I was about 11. When I turned 11, my whole world in my eyes fell apart. I watched my dad leave on a business trip and never come home. I watched my mom cry everyday. I later learned he cheated on her 5 years into their mariage, and again the year before he left…up until he left. I literally was clueless on how to feel. I dealt with the pain surrounding me by keeping things inside. Crying was a word I knew of, but the action of crying never was acted out by me. On top of all of this…I left on a trip with my dad during the divorce period once he came back around, and I decided that I didn’t want to be away from home anymore so I begged … and I mean begged my dad to bring me back to my moms place. I thought that my dad was going to be sooo upset with me for asking him to bring me home to mom, but he wasn’t. I couldn’t figure that out. After all was said and done, I figured out why he wasn’t mad. He wanted to catch my mother on a date. He got what he wanted, but he didn’t have the temper to deal with what he wanted. He hit my mom knocked her over, and beat my moms date(almost leaving him lifeless). Violence, abandonment, lost trust, broken love…these are all things that a an 11 yr old should not see or feel, but I did. This is where my depression is rooted. I live in my past. I know im in the future, but the way I approach my life is that the past is gonna repeat itself. I know what you’re thinking…well if you know that, forget it…don’t be depressed and move on with your life. See the thing is, is that I don’t recognize it. These behaviors such as keeping my guard up are self conscious. They happen whether I want them too or not.

I came home this last week from college thinking I was gonna quit. I realized I needed a break when I had a bottle of pills in one hand and the other wiping tears from my eyes. I wanted to just give up. If I died all the horrible feelings that I have been feeling for awhile would just go away. I knew I didn’t want that, but what other choice did I have when I was choking to get words out because I couldn’t breathe. Then I thought…I have a choice to be happy. So I gave it up all at once. I came home to get happy. Little did I know that getting happy wasn’t just that easy. Giving up on all you know and quitting something that is gonna get you far in life like college isnt gonna make you happy. You make you happy. Nobody can make you feel down without your consent. This was my problem. I was letting everyone around me make me feel down.

I guess with depression you have your up and down days. I came home that’s when I really started thinking about my life, and what I could do to better it. I really thought that being in a sorority was stressing me out. However, I have such a loving group of girls who constantly blew my phone up while I was gone to make sure I was alright. Its my actions. I have to take responsibility and account for myself. The common fallacy is this…people like to follow the crowd, and that was just what I was doing. Getting wasted every night, doing everything with everyone else and not doing anything for myself. I need to love and be apart of my sorority, but learn to separate myself and get better.

Another thing that stressed me out completely, was AMR and WB. They constantly made fun of me for being a sorority girl, and maybe I am in certain ways, but that def is not all that I am. I am a good person with a good heart, and I was raised by the best mom in the entire world. I AM MORE THAN JUST A SORORITY GIRL. I don’t need them to constantly make fun of greek life. They most likely are just jealous they don’t understand it, or they are not apart of it. Anyways, fuck them on that situation…even though I love them dearly as friends.

Speaking of them, they prob saved my life a little when it came to fall semester. I was barreling myself down to the bottom with this dep/anx. It was horrible. I drank almost everyday, and ran myself into the ground. It was not until I reunited with all 3 of the boys at a bar that I realized I needed to be better than that.

Right now…my course of action is not about boys however. Its about happiness. I am totally reverting my life to get on the right track. I want to think happy, be happy, and act happy. All of which is gonna take some time, but I think I know how to get to the point. When I came home I saw my dr. about how seriously down I have been, and he is the man let me tell you. He put me on this natural plan to overcome depression. It starts with changing my lifestyle. No drinking myself retarded(obvs), no drunk smoking, no destructive habits, eating 100% healthy, and exercising daily. Awesome! Fuck my life basically was what I was thinking when he was telling me this. However, I don’t want to be on meds, so I am going to embrace this idea, fuck my life, get over this, and be happy. Its def not going to be easy, but eh? Is life easy, no! so heyyy I have a shot...

its fuckin gametime! not now chief im in the fucking zone! elle is coming back.

heres the my new policies for life.

1. fuck boys, because they all want to fuck you over in some way
2. get the grades, because those can actually take you places
3. party hard, when you get the chance too.

and most importantly, enjoy your life…you’re lucky to have one after all.

forever and always, danielle