Does a smile count when I say Im wearing a new accessory in life?

Its funny how life changes in the blink of an eye. One minute you could be down about the world around you, and the next moment flying the sky like a Boeing 747 jet. You never know when someone or something is going to drop into your life, and make you smile from the inside out. I cant say much about my life in the past few months because my world has turned inside out from meeting one person I cannot live without. I was in a place so dark from reality in the beginning of this year, that thinking about how to get back to who I used to be seemed useless. Going to bed at night, I would cry to god, more like surrender myself to him in hopes of becoming the person I once used to be. After bad experiences, I wondered everyday if I would be able to love someone again. Having my heart broken countless times by my dad, and boyfriend after boyfriend, I was hesitant to believe that I would ever be able to let anyone in again. Then Ray came into my life. Suddenly, I didnt feel like it was just me in the world ...

Just saying his name made me smile, but the thought of seeing him everyday was what made me wake up with a smile. I would wake up, and the first thing on my mind would be...when is that silly boy gonna text me? I felt bad because when I met him I was scared of him. It had been since September that I could look a guy and feel excited to get to know him. After going such a long time and feeling nothing, I wondered how I was able to feel that way again, and whether to let him into my life. I played dumb card with him because of this. I was completely crazy about him, but I told him I only wanted his friendship. I told him everything about my life when he thought he was just my friend, and when I realized that he knew mostly everything and was still by my side willing to listen...there was no way I could just be his friend.

Normally, Im scared to tell people where I come from. Like, how wrecked I am for my dads mistakes, how sad I can be sometimes, how much anxiety and fear I have about life, how completely backwards my thoughts on life are, how ignorant I am to the things I say, how I try to have a plan for everything, how I live in the future and not day to day, how much I dream of better days, how I am immature occasionally, and how I laugh at anything serious...the weird thing about all this is...I was never scared to tell him anything, and Im still not. Better yet, he loves me through all of this. To this day I still dont understand, but I am so in love with him.

Usually I don't let myself think for a long time, because I tend to over analyze every little detail in my life. When I over analyze,that generally leads me to pulling myself away from everyone. However, tonight Im just sitting here with him, and I cant help but to look over at him and think to myself just how happy I am. He looks so serious doing his homework, but occasionally he looks over this way and smiles. Probably the best part of my every night is seeing him smile...and knowing in my heart that he makes me feel the very same way.

Forever and Always, Danielle